The Wedding People: Five Characters You Find at Weddings

Well, against all odds, we’ve made it to high summer. But, while we’re tentatively gathering in pubs and around barbecues, there’s a marquee shaped hole in our social lives because big weddings remain very much verboten. What’s a person to do with this sprawling tundra of calendar space?

Of course, some weddings are still going ahead this year, but unless you share DNA with the bride or groom, you’re probably not invited. Soz. As a Covid bride myself (Click Here) the merits of an intimate family day are becoming more apparent: the pressure is pretty much off, I’ll get to spend time with everyone there and I won’t need a war room to map out the seating chart. But, I still won’t hear a word against big bashes. In fact, I’d give my right arm to be a guest at a silly-sized one right now, stranded on a peripheral table with the rest of the C-list. Why? Because I miss the wedding people.

Let me tell you about the wedding people - they’re the fascinating circus of characters that you only ever meet at weddings (don’t ask me why you never encounter them in real life, that’s just the way it is). As we can’t observe them in the wild at the moment, let’s say a virtual hello to each in turn:

Wedding Person # 1: The Hippie Sister

Name: Clytemnestra Bougainvillea Goresby-Pelham (‘Minnie')

Age: 27

Social Media: You'll find her on Instagram @west_sussex_ayurveda

Permanently tanned, strikingly thin and noticeably unwashed, this is the groom's sister. On the morning of the wedding, she'll lead the other bridesmaids in a 90-minute sound bath; during the ceremony she will do a solemn reading from the Upanishads. When the taxis arrive, you spot her sitting cross-legged on the dance floor talking to a terrier.  

Wedding Person #2: The Underage Cousin

Name: Archie

Age: 13

Social Media: Banned from TikTok since the day his Dad checked his screen time and saw he was on it for 11 straight hours

Here’s what Archie has consumed at the wedding: 23 ‘first’ sips of champagne, 2 pints of cider, three pieces of wedding cake and one pilfered cigarette (lit at the wrong end). At 9.30pm, Archie is sick in a bush. At 9.45pm, Archie’s mum puts him to bed. God bless Archie.

Wedding Person #3: The Godfather

Name: Andrew

Age: 60

Social media: Sends you a Facebook friend request the morning after the wedding (you'll see it two months later)

 Andrew has been tapped to give a speech about the bride, his goddaughter. He used to know her well. That is, up until 1992, when her parents moved to a different county and they all lost touch a bit. As a result, the speech is heavy on details about Alice’s stuffed bunnies, toy trains and first words but rather more hazy on what happened after she turned four. The speech is tolerably funny and sweet, until he barrels through the twelve minute mark. You realise there’s no end in sight when he utters the phrase, ‘More on that later.’ Sigh.

Wedding Person #4: Mr. Wedding

Name: Will 

Age: 32

Social media: Retweets articles from The Economist that he hasn’t finished reading

Will digs weddings. Last year, he went to 17. Dressed to the nines, he has a jaunty polka-dot pocket square, monogrammed silver cufflinks and dress shoes as well-oiled as the lines he churns out (‘You couldn’t possibly be old enough to have a daughter getting married, Gillian’). Obviously doesn’t leave the dance floor all night.

Wedding Person #5: You at weddings

After a particularly strong showing during your best friend Rosie’s do last summer, you have a word with yourself and resolve to ‘do less’ at weddings in the future. But, who are you kidding? Life’s too short. So, at the next one, when you see your best friends gathered around the bar about to take a shot of tequila, you’ll only hesitate for a second before shouting, ‘Wait for me!’